2021: Breathing Life Into “No”

A few weeks ago, I was invited to speak at an event on women’s participation in Gambian politics. The discussion became an informal one where we sat in a circle and exchanged stories of our experiences in our private and public spaces, connected by a common desire for freedom as women.

In response to a question I got from one of the girls, I shared that I had found a lot of power in saying “no” and not feeling any guilt about that choice.

As this year ends and I reflect on what my journey has been, I realise this may have been my highlight, even amid so many great accomplishments. It has taken years of strengthening my voice to say “no” without shaking or breaking and teaching myself to soar above the guilt of “would they think I am bad for not saying yes”.

A lot of this has come from a journey of understanding and being intentional about embracing self-care, even as I remain rooted in service to community, humanity and all that is bigger than my individual satisfaction. My feminist relationships and engagements have been constant reminders of the importance of pouring from a cup that is not empty and speaking from a throat that is not parched from the continued sacrifice of self, even if unintentional.

It is a tricky road to navigate; this road about caring for self without being selfish… the one about being for the collective without ignoring self. It’s a road that is filled with so many questions, and few answers that can help to create an easy balance. It is one that eventually forces an introspection that allows for the person travelling to choose what really works best for them. Because, in reality, there is no one answer that clears all the questions for everyone.

Towards the end of last year, I was forced by my experience of living through and working on the COVID-19 pandemic to set intentions for my care and wellbeing, and ensure I wouldn’t end this year 2021 tired, depleted and burnt out from the exhaustion of working nonstop, but especially from saying yes to everything just so I can continue to show up and support.

This meant establishing new boundaries and fortifying existing ones, along with the intentional labour of dealing with the reactions – overt and subtle – to these choices and ensuring their applicability across all aspects of my life. While I like to think of my life in its many elements and facets, and understand myself through the different identities I claim and the variety of things that I do, I am always reminded that they are all connected to one source: me. And that source needed to stay alive and nourished for everything about it to thrive.

I ended last year with a gift to myself: a beautiful cake from my preferred vendor. When I ordered the cake, I gave a simple instruction: I want a cake to celebrate myself for surviving this year. The lady made me one and added one word that I’ve carried with me through this year: Breathe. What was a gift to myself turned into a gift from her, because this year has been one of truly breathing and allowing myself rest when I need it.

It’s the many breaths I have taken to get myself grounded in the reminder of my set intention before responding to a request to do something I didn’t have the capacity for at the time, or that I simply did not want or care for. The invitations to speak at events, several media interviews including one that was going to be a feature in a big international media network, nominations for things, invitations to apply for other things, offers for work with promises of “a lot of money”.

In breathing, I taught myself to stop apologising for turning down requests, opting instead to be direct about the reasons I may not be able to honour them at the time, where I felt this explanation to be necessary. Where I am able to recommend an alternative or a replacement, I do that.

And then I breathe…

Looking back, I realise this simple but tough act became easier with each new time that I did it. I am now ending the year with no regrets and a deep appreciation for the intentions that I set at the end of the last year, satisfied that I have been able to show myself – and those close enough to me to know about my journey – that it is okay to say no to things that you don’t have the space for. Beyond things, people too. But I’ll leave that part for another day.

Away from this satisfaction, there is the truth that in saying no to everything I did, I created more space for the things and people that I really wanted. I was able to give of myself, my time and my resources in the best ways I can to all the things and people I wanted to say “yes” to, and it has been an incredible year.

With my sisters, I launched the Musso Podcast, born from an idea that has lived in my head and heart since 2014, and its birth has been a glorious affirmation.

With my husband and our partners, we have produced two films on a subject that is very important to me. With these projects, I have seen my creative journey grow even further as I stepped up to write and produce both films, in addition to project management and brand communication responsibilities. The results have been excellent, and I can’t wait to share the final products with the world. In my work, I have continued to push beyond boundaries while remaining steadfast to my values and principles.

These are just a few examples from a long list of things that I have achieved and am proud of this year.

I continue to exist and contribute to building feminist community around me, supporting what I can and praying success for what I can’t. A difficult truth I have come to accept is that I do not have to be in community with everyone simply because we share similar interests. When that difficulty lifts, there is much liberation in settling where you feel the light, grace and love to serve and lend yourself to be served. I am grateful for all the communities I have been a part of and continue building.

I have held on to and intentionally worked on relationships that matter to me in family, friendship, and work. Some of it is still work-in-progress as (almost) broken things often take time to mend, but I’ve found bliss in learning to cede to my vulnerability and allowing my feelings to run their course. I’ve also found freedom in releasing what is not meant to stay, and there is a lightness there which, like light, illuminates what remains.

This year has been one of answered prayers, like God was reminding me who is in control and leading my spirit into submission to that which was written for me. I remain faithful. I remain grateful.

This year, I breathed.

Next year, I wish to soar. Higher than I have ever done, and to horizons that ensure my breath remains free, my burden is light, and my liberation is true.

I wish to go even deeper into my journey of creative activism, using my talents to amplify the voices around me and tell stories that matter. The past few years have shown me new directions in that journey, providing soft grounding for my feet, my heart, and my soul.  

Next year, I will soar.

The New Year Resolution That Worked

The year 2015 has been an interesting one for me, taking me through all of my elements and rocking up a myriad emotions in more ways than one.

I am not usually one to make New Year Resolutions, for the simple reason that they are pushed to the back of my mind by reality and, therefore, rendered considerably pointless. However, at the beginning of 2015, I made one resolution and pinned it on my Twitter profile.

 

You may ask why post it on Twitter and not on the walls of my room, or somewhere more visible. My resolution was inspired by the Twitter trend #FeministNewYearResolutions and through the course of the year, has been a great reminder for me, as I navigate spaces with my voice and thoughts as a feminist.

Making that promise to myself, and to the world which followed that trend, ensured that I shared my views on feminism and a great many issues affecting women and girls without reservation, and with no apology.

The online ‘streets’ can be especially ruthless for those sharing unpopular views that diverge from the usual conservative life values we have been taught to embrace as normal.

Identifying as a feminist has brought me my fair share of vitriol and trolling, especially online, with suggestions that my choice is an anomaly because feminism goes against my African values. Ha!

In past years, trolling and (disrespectful) opposition to my views would get to me and sometimes lead me to question my beliefs, lending credibility to what I have now come to consider as no different from noise. Not this year; and I daresay the conscious decision and the thought process that went into coming up with that resolution helped me in holding the fort strong and remaining unmoved by the negativity.

Proclaiming my feminist identity, especially on Twitter, took to a new level when I changed my name to Jollof Feminist, further strengthening the feminist branding of my page, especially for the benefit of new followers. This change, in itself, warranted comments that I would rather not delve into, but choose to replace with how they made me feel.

A few months ago, I was in conversation with one of the members of the diplomatic corps in The Gambia, and our discussion centered on Gambian women’s voices online and the reception to this new and growing normal. We explored the negative reactions to feminism as a concept or way of life, and I had another eureka moment.

I came to the realisation that people are not as angry about feminism itself, as they are at feminists, especially when these latter happen to be women. Their opposition, I concluded, came from a place of discomfort and displeasure at seeing women use their voices to fill up our spaces, as opposed to the previous norm of being seen and never heard. My conclusion was reinforced by the opposite reactions I saw towards men speaking on the same issues, even when simply regurgitating opinions and think pieces from women in the same spaces.

This is not to say that some male feminists do not get attacked for their views, but this can never be compared on the same scale as the attacks on female feminists. This understanding awakened a new fire in me, solidifying the resolution to remain unapologetic about my being a feminist and, consequently, my feminist views and opinions.

Without a doubt, it has been a challenging year and I have found myself in more debates on feminism and, especially, sexism than I care to enumerate. Sometimes, the exchanges would get too heated, but I pride myself in the calmness and focus with which I now maneuver through them, ensuring that my points are made in all respect, but my views are not watered down and trampled upon as irrelevant or an overreaction.

A friend once asked me if it was all worth it, and if I wasn’t bothered by the negative attention I would probably get from engaging in debates and arguments online. My response was simple: it took me a lot of learning and decisions to get here and I am very much convinced about the necessity of what I do. If there’s anything worthy I am doing, it is this.

Reading through this piece, one would think that it has all been ice, blood and fire with my experiences as a vocal feminist online. However, I am grounded in reality by the many positive reactions to these efforts, directly and indirectly.

I have been humbled and honoured in equal measure by the many young women who reach out to express gratitude for these efforts, and explain how it has inspired them to speak up about their experiences and struggles, as well as those of other women and girls.

I have also engaged with several men, young and old, who acknowledge the importance of our voices and our stories, and who vow to be more sensitive especially in navigating our shared spaces on the grounds of their male privilege.

I had an acquaintance reach out to say he has become more mindful of what he says about women when he is around me. I took that as a first step to change, while making obvious my wish that this would become normal for him and he wouldn’t require my presence to check what he says and does, in relation to women.

I have been lucky to find and engage with other feminists, especially young Africans, who have provided more learning opportunities for me, and even more affirmation of the importance of the work we do in simply being ourselves and making our voices heard. The solidarity on Twitter is priceless and the experience is one I am truly grateful for this year.

And for me, that is enough worth and result for the work being done by the many like me, who have decided to no longer be silenced. Discovering the power in our voices and the greater power in using them to tell our own stories has been enough motivation to remain true to my promise and ensure my resolution was seen through to the end of the year.

Where reality has often pushed previous resolutions to the bin in my head, this year has been different. Perhaps, this is because I made a resolution that was in complete alignment with my daily living and activities, both at work and through private ventures. In alignment with my beliefs and what I have come to accept and embrace as the purpose of my life, for as long as it is needed in our world.

I made a resolution at the start of the year, and through the course of living it, I have been blessed with countless experiences and lessons, each one reaffirming the validity of my choices and the necessity of my life’s work. I would cheat and make this my resolution for the coming year, but it would be a repetition of something that has already taken firm root in my being and would flourish even without a reminder.

In 2015, I refused to apologise and stood firm with my beliefs, but I still believe I can be more, do more, give more and embrace the wholeness of my being.

So for 2016, I choose one phrase to guide me: BE INTENTIONAL. In everything I choose to be, say, do and be a part of. Let’s see how this one works out.

As we go into another year, with resolutions or not, I thank you for taking this journey with me and for reading my blogs, even when they come from a very confused place. I am truly appreciative of the support I get through Linguere and pray that it will lead to the realisation of the plans I have to make this bigger.

Have a very awesome 2016! 🙂